The Worst Babysitter Ever
by CastielAndTheBlueBox
Summary: When Bruce said he was babysitting, Tony choked on his coffee. Brutasha/TaserHawk/Thane/Pepperony


**_A/N: This is part of my 'Family' 'verse, however you don't really have to read those first, just know that Bruce and Natasha have a daughter, Jane and Thor a son, and Clint and Darcy a daughter. No longer in chronological order, so here Rebecca's about two, which makes Jorgen just over a year and Daisy just under a year. And, Pepper and Tony are married. I'm also taking prompts while writing these, so if you want anything, let me know!_**

When Bruce told Tony he was going to babysit, he choked on his coffee, flailing madly until he finally got clapped, rather hard, on the back.

"Nuh uh. Y'know I'd do anything for you, big guy, but there's no way in _hell _ I'm taking care of your spawn. Kids and me are a big no-no. Leave her with Barton or Foster or Lewis or Thor or all four. But not me. No." he said, wiggling a finger at the other scientist. His science bro shrugged and went back to his microscope.

"Not really an option. See, you're gonna be babysitting for their kids too." he replied, nonchalantly. If Tony still had the ability to faint, he would've. He felt like he was going to, despite the fact he hadn't in, like, ten whole years.

"No. I refuse." he said, shaking his head. "Why don't you alternate your days out?"

Bruce just let out a sigh and took his glasses off, cleaning them with his shirt.

"Tony, the thing is... when you have a kid... well, see, me and Nat haven't had very much private time-" he began, and Tony shook his head, clapping his hand over the other man's mouth.

"Okay. I get the message. You guys are all, what, triple dating and then getting laid. Spare me the details of your sex life and I'll take the kids. One night only. I already know far too much about you guys from the security feed." he shook his head and moved away. Bruce's mouth fell open.

"The... security feed?" he asked. Tony just smirked.

"Hey, I might not want to hear about your sex life, but that doesn't mean I don't know about it. See you tomorrow, Bruce-y." he waved a hand as he left the room, wondering _why in the hell_ his team mates were entrusting him with their... spawn.

* * *

"Did you know that we're apparently babysitting tomorrow?" he asked Pepper as they shared a pizza. The strawberry blond just smirked a little.

"If I said that I encouraged them to go out and get laid, and that we'd take care of the kids, would you kill me?" she asked, and Tony groaned.

"No wonder Bruce seemed so unconcerned about the fact I said no. He knew you'd kill me if I said it indefinitely." he muttered, and Pepper smirked.

"No, no, I'd get Phil or Natasha to do it. That way, they'd never find the body." she replied, and Tony glanced over at her.

"You have given this too much thought for me to be comfortable with it. Are you secretly a mass murderer?" he asked, and Pepper rolled her eyes.

"No. Much more terrifying, I'm your extremely horny wife." she replied. Tony growled and pulled her into his arms, smothering her next remark with a kiss.

* * *

Rebecca Banner was the image of her mother, in everything but her hair and eyes. But she had her father's quiet personality, and boy was Tony glad for that, because Jorgen Thorson had his father's voice, and was yelling in his ear about how he'd defeated Fandral on their last trip to Asgard.

Tony had no idea who the hell this 'Fandral' was, but considering the fact the kid had only learned how to walk a few months previously (though, both his walking and talking were more advanced than the average kid), he decided he'd probably let him win. He didn't dare say so, however, because he knew for a fact that kids broke into tears if you so much as suggested they weren't as perfect as their parents or extended family said they were. He knew that first hand.

Daisy Lewis-Barton was quite possibly the most curious child ever, and more than once Pepper had had to stop her crawling towards Tony's lab. At around five, Pepper left to go and get some dinner. It was then, that Rebecca looked up with Bruce's big brown eyes (though, with her mother's look in them, she was terrifying), and asked, very politely: "Can we play hide-and-seek?"

Tony agreeing to this was quite possibly the worst idea ever. And filed away in his mind was a part clearly marked: _DO NOT, EVER, EVER PLAY HIDE-AND-SEEK WITH THE CHILD OF AN ASSASSIN AND THE CHILD OF A GOD. THEY WILL BEAT YOU, AND YOU WILL LOSE THEM._

But, as he hadn't yet discovered the dangers of playing hide-and-seek with the Avenger's children, he agreed, holding Daisy and announcing that they were going to play together. He counted to ten, and started to look for them.

Alas, looking for them was not as easy as it sounds. And as he'd never played the game as a child, he didn't know there was an easy way to get them to come out. He picked up his phone, and, in his panic, dialled the two people he trusted who were not the parents of the children involved.

Pepper and Steve (because Agent would totally tell).

"Pep?" he asked, voice hurried. He could hear the sigh.

"What have you done?" she asked. Were the situation less worrying, and didn't involve the children of a woman who could kill him without a trace, the Hulk and an alien god, he would have been offended that she assumed he'd done something.

"I lost Jorgen and Rebecca."

The shouting was expected, the frustrated groan, the fact he had to hold the phone away from his ear was not. This was, like, the worst trouble he'd ever gotten from Pepper.

Then there was Steve.

The disappointed silence followed by the 'I'll be right there' was almost worse than Pepper's shouting.

* * *

The fact that you could get the kids to reveal themselves by calling 'come out come out wherever you are' was incredibly enlightening, though Tony vowed he'd never, ever let them play that game again. He gave them all milk and sent them off to bed. Hooligans.

He flopped down on the sofa, pulling Pepper down next to him.

"Pep?" he asked, softly, and she nodded, though he could feel the tension in her body. She was still annoyed.

"Let's never have kids." he muttered, and Pepper laughed.

"You expect me to go through the pain of birth. No." she replied. Tony smirked.

"Though, if we did have a girl, we could totally call her Toni. Like, with an- ow!" he yelped, grabbing his arm where she hit him. "What was that for?"

"If we ever did have kids, which we're not, we are not naming them after you."

They heard tiny footsteps, followed by the arrival of Jorgen, face tearstained and embarrassed.

"Uncle Tony... I had an accident." he mumbled.

Tony couldn't wait to hand the little things back to their parents the next day. He'd just stick with being the cool uncle with the money and the presents. Much safer.


End file.
